Tag: romance

Standing Above the Lovelorn Sea

By Ife J. Ibitayo

If winter is the season I hate the most, February is its worst month. January at least has New Year’s Day, and I still bask in warm reminiscence of March’s spring break. But the month of February has no holidays, well any worth celebrating when you’re single.

Fresh flowers, cuddly bears, and red hearts assail me at grocery stores. Affectionate couples shame me at dine-in restaurants and movie theatres. Twenty-eight days mock me with a singular reminder: “You’re all alone, buddy.”

This pain is especially personal to me because I was ready to be married by the time I turned fifteen. Yep, by then I’d already hung up my cap, kissed my bachelor glory days goodbye, and poised my pen to write a new chapter in my story. Fast forward a decade later and that page has remained (astonishingly) blank. Being a romantic at heart, I embraced several of our culture’s fallacies about love.

You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You

The first lie I believe was best sung by the venerable Dean Martin: “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” I wanted to be somebody! I took growing up in a loving family for granted. My parents and my brothers have to love me. I wanted someone who didn’t have to have me in their life, but of all the men on the face of this planet, they chose me alone forever.

You’re Half a Person Until You Meet Your Other Half

The second lie I accepted was that you’re incomplete until you meet your other half. I felt this “truth” viscerally, like a hole in my soul that could only be filled by the right woman. She’d alleviate my insecurities, heal my scars, and secure my destiny. Therapist Esther Perel said it well, “We come to one person, and we are asking them to give us what an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and all in one.” In short, she’d be my salvation.

Your Somebody/Your Other Half

As outsized as this expectation may sound, I actually don’t think it’s wrong. It just took me the better part of a decade to realize that it was misplaced. Appropriating a well-known quote from C.S. Lewis, “If we find ourselves with a desire that no being in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another being.” And that being is the one who made us: God.

Through the overwhelming pain and triumphant victories I’ve experienced in life, I’ve learned that God is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. Someone did choose me alone forever for a loving relationship. Ephesians 1:4 says, “Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.” And my relationship with Him has given me belonging, identity, and continuity. For 1 John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” God is my transcendence and my mystery all in one!

Conclusion

My relationship with God has not weakened my desire to find my soulmate. Rather, it has provided a safe harbor to continue looking from. Until I find her, I know I stand high above the lovelorn seas. I rest in the arms of my heavenly Father until He sweeps me up in the triune bliss of romantic love.  

“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

Heartbreak Hero

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Last week, I had my heart ripped out. Actually, it was a more protracted operation: a piece here, a shard there until it felt like there was nothing left.

When romantic relationships fail, pain follows. It’s the ever-present companion of every heartbreak hero. It threatens to wrap itself around our eyeballs and frame our uncertain future from now on.

There are no easy remedies to mend a broken heart, but there are several things that can make it worse.

Regret

The first is overwhelming regret. When my relationship dissolved, I found myself plagued by the question: “What could I have done better?” Our thoughts will condemn and second guess every decision we made: tulips rather than roses, choosing the action flick over the romantic comedy, or suggesting they meet our parents after the third date.

The Bible affirms that our hearts have a tendency to alternate between condemning and excusing us (Romans 2:15). But that’s no way to live! 1 John 3:20 says that “if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” Rather than reliving every past mistake, we must learn from them, and pray that God gives us the strength not to repeat them in our next relationship.

Anger

There is good reason for the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Just as love can bring out the best in us, it can also bring out the worst. I never realized how petty, vindictive, and easily frustrated I was until I fell in love. And when love is lost, all these death blossoms flourish into full bloom.

Anger is a cancer that can pervade every aspect of our lives. It can rob us of physical health, emotional stability, and spiritual peace. And it only has one antidote: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we must receive from the Spirit because it is completely unnatural for us.

Jesus said “I’m the vine. You are the branches. Apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We don’t have it in ourselves to let go of every ghosted text, every missed phone call, every dollar and hour we spent in pursuit of our lover’s heart. But when we forgive, we not only let our past flame go, we let ourselves go as well. We release ourselves from the shackles of hatred and bitterness. We’ll carry those chains into every future relationship if we don’t uncuff ourselves today.

Fear

Lastly, breakups can leave us with two fears about our future: 1. How will I ever find another like her/him? 2. How can I ever let myself be vulnerable again?

Satan will tempt us to believe that that special person we lost was our last shot at a happily every after. But God says, “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). God is the ultimate matchmaker for each and every one of us. His process may not be pain free, and it may not run on our schedule. But it is good.

 Secondly, vulnerability is the fruit of a healthy heart. Just as we only use a cast on a broken arm, we only wall up our hearts when they’re still wounded. This healing, once again, only comes from God. God says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). That promise extends even to our shattered, aching heart fragments.

Conclusion

I call us heartbreak heroes because the Author always watches over His protagonists. We may not know how to move forward with blood still dripping out of our chests. And the healing process will take time. But the story really will be a good one, even if we wish we could skip to the next chapter.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 8:38-39)