Tag: regret

Siren Songs and Healing Balm

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I never thought that an episode of the hit comedy Brooklyn 99 would leave me emotional. The precinct’s new police captain was a little too perfect, so the officers did everything in their power to find out what was really going on with this interloper. But in the end, all their meddling served to do was alienate the only good captain they’d ever had. That storyline hit a little too close to home for me. Have you ever pushed away a good friend or girlfriend? Have you ever committed an irreversible mistake that still haunts you till today? I have.

As I’ve quoted so often in this blog, “to err is human.” To be a member of mankind is to make mistakes, but to live with the consequences feels so inhumane. There were whole months earlier this year when I woke up every day wishing for a redo button, a groundhog day switch, that’d allow me to undo all of my poor choices. Before I knew it, I’d sunk deep into the dark tendrils of regret and bitterness.

The Siren Song of Regret and Bitterness

Why is the sorrowful siren song of regret so alluring? Because regret is a time travel tonic; sipping on it enables you to teleport yourself back to yesterday and rustle through its shattered remains looking for answers. With 20-20 hindsight you can see the better actions you could have taken and the superior words you could have spoken. You can leverage your present self to beat down your former self.

The second sickly sweet serenade comes from bitterness. Instead of internalizing blame, we unleash it on others. We blame our parents for the way they raised us (or failed to do so). We blame our life circumstances for dealing us an unfair hand. Or we blame God because with His sovereignty and divine purview, surely He is responsible for all we’ve gone through.

These two powerful emotions can shackle us to our past, rob us of our joy, and steal our destiny. But is there a third option? Is there a way to rise above the regret and bitterness of yesterday?

The Balm of Forgiveness

I think the answer begins with the balm of forgiveness. The healing power of forgiveness lies in letting go. Regret stems from holding on to unforgiveness against ourselves and bitterness springs from holding on to unforgiveness against others (including God).

However, Scripture says, “If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Forgiving ourselves means believing that we are not the same person we once were and that it’s okay to not have been the person we needed to be back then. Just as our bodily flesh replaces itself every single month, our spirit man regenerates on a day-to-day basis (2 Corinthians 4:16). And we can’t hold our past self captive to our present self’s capabilities.

Forgiving others is based on a similar principle. By maximizing grace toward others, we minimize the pain we carry in ourselves. I’ve had others threaten my friendships, my future, and even my very life, but only later have I come to know the demons they were wrestling within as they lashed out at me (Titus 3:3-6). If we judge others by our best while looking at their worst, it’s all too easy to condemn them. But considering others at their best and forgiving their worst has a way of healing our own pain over time.

The Peace of Wrestling

Lastly, there’s forgiving God, which is a strange, unseemly concept for most of us. But I believe that we can carry past hurts against God that we never deal with because we conclude that either God can’t really be who He says He is (perfect, powerful, and present) or we must be so far gone that He chose not to show us the trifecta of His loving character. But God says, “Come, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). The word translated “reason” in Hebrew is “yakach” and it means to “argue for the sake of bringing someone to a point of understanding.”

When God upsets us, He actually wants us to let Him know. He wants us to argue with Him and confront Him, to express the yucky feelings that we feel shouldn’t be spewed on holy ground because then He can roll up His sleeves and clean up the mess. There’s a reason God called the Hebrews the “Israelites”—”those who wrestle with God” by definition. It’s only in the struggle that we can make peace with God.

Conclusion

So, as we move out of 2024, let us not remain entrapped by the siren call of regret and bitterness. Let us choose the healing balm of forgiveness, let us find freedom, and let us practice faith for a better new year.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
(Ephesians 4:32)

Counting My Blessings in Ethiopia

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Losing all my luggage on the way to a destination wedding in Africa is not how I imagined kicking off 2023. A siren blared in the back of my skull when a gate agent forced me to check my carryon bag: full of the clothes I needed to fulfill my role as a groomsman. Twenty-four hours later, I landed in Ethiopia, exhausted and bleary-eyed. And my nightmare became my waking reality as I found out I wouldn’t receive my luggage until the day after my friend’s wedding. My mom rang me shortly after, and I barely managed to croak, “I lost everything.”

Counting on Little

As I settled into bed after having brushed my teeth with the last vestiges of the mini-toothbrush set Qatar Airways had provided, I was plagued by how much I’d lost. I didn’t know how I’d make it through tomorrow let alone the wedding coming up that weekend. But as hours stretched into days, I marveled at how little I actually needed. Deodorant is helpful, as are spare underwear, socks, and t-shirts, but life has a way of going on even when you lose the many “essentials” you’ve grown accustomed to.

 In the book of Philippians, apostle Paul says, “I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything (Philippians 4:11-12).” The word translated “learned” in this passage is manthano. As opposed to learning from head knowledge, manthano is learning from experience. Of course, the comparison is a little disingenuous when I was staying in a 4-star hotel while Paul was subsisting in a Roman dungeon. But as cruel a mistress as fate can be when traveling internationally, in God’s hands, it can be transformed into an invaluable instructor in finding joy apart from material circumstances.

Counting on My Friends

Further, I was blown-away by the kindness of my friends and their family members as we made the best of my difficult circumstances. From cogent advice to help shopping, my Ethiopian friends enabled me to tread water for the days that I was without pretty much everything.

After I thanked the groom’s sister for all her assistance in mashing together a Frankenstein composite of replacement clothes for the wedding, she replied with a laugh, “Nobody could have done this alone.”

In a similar vein, wise King Solomon once said, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). If I learned one crucial lesson from this trip, it’s never travel alone! Yet I believe this teaching extends far beyond physical journeys. We were meant to journey through all of life together.

In accordance with this truth, Apostle Paul instructed 1st century Christians, “I don’t mean your giving should make life easy for others and hard for yourselves. I only mean that there should be some equality. Right now you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it” (2 Corinthians 8:13-14). So in this situation, others were able to meet my need because I was traveling in community. And likewise in the future, when others’ needs arise, I will be able to pay it forward to them as well.

Counting on My God

Lastly, I was sustained by God’s Word. The morning after I lost my belongings, the verse of the day was Matthew 6:34: “‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own’”, which is an especially apt verse when you are lying awake in a jetlagged stupor attempting to figure out where you went wrong.

Earlier in the same passage, Jesus says, ‘“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes” (Matthew 6:25)? This verse shaped my experience here in Ethiopia. I was honestly tempted to drink a cocktail of self-pity and wallow in my sorrows, but this verse reminded me that there is more in life than food, drink, and even clothing.

Conclusion

As I wrap up this article the morning before I board my flight back to the United States, I am grateful. I am grateful for the laughter and jubilation as we celebrated my good friend’s wedding to his soulmate. I am grateful for the provision of God above and the kindness of loved ones all around me as I navigated this dizzying new adventure. And I am even grateful that I lost my luggage in the first place because now I appreciate how much God has given me in a fresh, new way.

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

(Philippians 4:19)

Heartbreak Hero

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Last week, I had my heart ripped out. Actually, it was a more protracted operation: a piece here, a shard there until it felt like there was nothing left.

When romantic relationships fail, pain follows. It’s the ever-present companion of every heartbreak hero. It threatens to wrap itself around our eyeballs and frame our uncertain future from now on.

There are no easy remedies to mend a broken heart, but there are several things that can make it worse.

Regret

The first is overwhelming regret. When my relationship dissolved, I found myself plagued by the question: “What could I have done better?” Our thoughts will condemn and second guess every decision we made: tulips rather than roses, choosing the action flick over the romantic comedy, or suggesting they meet our parents after the third date.

The Bible affirms that our hearts have a tendency to alternate between condemning and excusing us (Romans 2:15). But that’s no way to live! 1 John 3:20 says that “if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” Rather than reliving every past mistake, we must learn from them, and pray that God gives us the strength not to repeat them in our next relationship.

Anger

There is good reason for the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Just as love can bring out the best in us, it can also bring out the worst. I never realized how petty, vindictive, and easily frustrated I was until I fell in love. And when love is lost, all these death blossoms flourish into full bloom.

Anger is a cancer that can pervade every aspect of our lives. It can rob us of physical health, emotional stability, and spiritual peace. And it only has one antidote: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we must receive from the Spirit because it is completely unnatural for us.

Jesus said “I’m the vine. You are the branches. Apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We don’t have it in ourselves to let go of every ghosted text, every missed phone call, every dollar and hour we spent in pursuit of our lover’s heart. But when we forgive, we not only let our past flame go, we let ourselves go as well. We release ourselves from the shackles of hatred and bitterness. We’ll carry those chains into every future relationship if we don’t uncuff ourselves today.

Fear

Lastly, breakups can leave us with two fears about our future: 1. How will I ever find another like her/him? 2. How can I ever let myself be vulnerable again?

Satan will tempt us to believe that that special person we lost was our last shot at a happily every after. But God says, “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). God is the ultimate matchmaker for each and every one of us. His process may not be pain free, and it may not run on our schedule. But it is good.

 Secondly, vulnerability is the fruit of a healthy heart. Just as we only use a cast on a broken arm, we only wall up our hearts when they’re still wounded. This healing, once again, only comes from God. God says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). That promise extends even to our shattered, aching heart fragments.

Conclusion

I call us heartbreak heroes because the Author always watches over His protagonists. We may not know how to move forward with blood still dripping out of our chests. And the healing process will take time. But the story really will be a good one, even if we wish we could skip to the next chapter.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 8:38-39)