Tag: loneliness

Standing Above the Lovelorn Sea

By Ife J. Ibitayo

If winter is the season I hate the most, February is its worst month. January at least has New Year’s Day, and I still bask in warm reminiscence of March’s spring break. But the month of February has no holidays, well any worth celebrating when you’re single.

Fresh flowers, cuddly bears, and red hearts assail me at grocery stores. Affectionate couples shame me at dine-in restaurants and movie theatres. Twenty-eight days mock me with a singular reminder: “You’re all alone, buddy.”

This pain is especially personal to me because I was ready to be married by the time I turned fifteen. Yep, by then I’d already hung up my cap, kissed my bachelor glory days goodbye, and poised my pen to write a new chapter in my story. Fast forward a decade later and that page has remained (astonishingly) blank. Being a romantic at heart, I embraced several of our culture’s fallacies about love.

You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You

The first lie I believe was best sung by the venerable Dean Martin: “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” I wanted to be somebody! I took growing up in a loving family for granted. My parents and my brothers have to love me. I wanted someone who didn’t have to have me in their life, but of all the men on the face of this planet, they chose me alone forever.

You’re Half a Person Until You Meet Your Other Half

The second lie I accepted was that you’re incomplete until you meet your other half. I felt this “truth” viscerally, like a hole in my soul that could only be filled by the right woman. She’d alleviate my insecurities, heal my scars, and secure my destiny. Therapist Esther Perel said it well, “We come to one person, and we are asking them to give us what an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and all in one.” In short, she’d be my salvation.

Your Somebody/Your Other Half

As outsized as this expectation may sound, I actually don’t think it’s wrong. It just took me the better part of a decade to realize that it was misplaced. Appropriating a well-known quote from C.S. Lewis, “If we find ourselves with a desire that no being in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another being.” And that being is the one who made us: God.

Through the overwhelming pain and triumphant victories I’ve experienced in life, I’ve learned that God is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. Someone did choose me alone forever for a loving relationship. Ephesians 1:4 says, “Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.” And my relationship with Him has given me belonging, identity, and continuity. For 1 John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” God is my transcendence and my mystery all in one!

Conclusion

My relationship with God has not weakened my desire to find my soulmate. Rather, it has provided a safe harbor to continue looking from. Until I find her, I know I stand high above the lovelorn seas. I rest in the arms of my heavenly Father until He sweeps me up in the triune bliss of romantic love.  

“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

Missing the Presence (Tragedies of Hope Pt. 1)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Before Israel was presided over by a president or a king, it was ruled over by Biblical figures known as judges. This period, dominated by sin, war, and subjugation, lasted hundreds of years. Toward the end of it, a priest named Eli judged Israel, and the nation was at war with a people known as the Philistines.

The Philistines routed the Israelites in battle, killing 4,000 of their men. The elders of Israel reasoned that their defeat was because the LORD had not accompanied them onto the battlefield. So the next time they faced their enemies, they brought the ark of the LORD with them. They believed this ark mandated the presence of the LORD and ensured their victory.

This strategy resulted in an overwhelming 30,000-man slaughter, of the Israelites. When Eli heard this news, he toppled over backward and snapped his neck. When his daughter-in-law, the wife of one of the priests of the ark, found out, she cried, “‘The glory has departed from Israel, for the ark of God has been captured'” (1 Samuel 4:22 ESV).

Taking Away the Presence

God promises in His word that He is not just far above us but also close at hand (Deuteronomy 4:7). However, suffering has driven this sense far from millions of people. Crippling hardship can plunge us into a dark moonless fog. And the faith of many are choking out on those fumes:

 Where is God when I’m struggling to breathe,

 dying under sheets or under a knee?

Purpose of the Presence

God said through the prophet Isaiah, “‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you'” (Isaiah 43:2 ESV). Unlike the false belief of these Israelites thousands of years ago, the presence of God is not a good luck charm to rescue us from every difficulty. Rather, it’s His assurance that He will join us in the furnace and sustain us through it.

Location of the Presence

But it can still be easy to feel cut off from God’s presence. COVID-19 has transformed powerful church experiences into poor Netflix substitutes. Weekends and weekdays used to be distant cousins. Now they’re evil twins in this waking nightmare. How are we supposed to find God when we’re buried under a mountain of paperwork and empty ramen boxes?

Speaking to the Jewish people thousands of years later, Deacon Stephen said, “‘Yet the Most High does not dwell in houses made by hands, as the prophet says, “Heaven is My throne, and the earth is My footstool. What kind of house will you build for Me, says the Lord, or what is the place of My rest”‘” (Acts 7:48-49 ESV)?

This profound truth shines in our darkness. God is not confined to a holy place or a holiday. He is everywhere and every when, even here and now.

Conclusion

Seven months passed from when the ark of the LORD was taken by the Philistines to when it was returned to Israel (1 Samuel 6:1). It took a series of miracles to bring this about-face (1 Samuel 5), and it was a source of great joy to the Israelites upon its return (1 Samuel 6:13).

Likewise, we need a miracle to turn this year around. But the LORD is well-acquainted with the miraculous. When He restores our church meetings and Sunday services, we should rejoice. But in the meantime, we can cling onto His name: Emmanuel—God with us.

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”

(Psalm 139:7-10)

Loneliness

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I had envisioned graduate school would be a much needed fresh start after my exhausting senior year of undergrad. I’d take informative classes, conduct exciting research, and form lasting friendships. But the reality was far less glamorous than I had imagined.

I found myself slaving away at a project that was six months behind schedule. I also formed connections a lot slower than I thought I would. During my first year of graduate school, I felt crushingly alone.

The Source of Loneliness

 I think that all loneliness stems from a sense of distance. The distance can be physical, such as geographical separation or different waking hours, or it can be emotional. A season when you feel harried and harassed while everyone else seems carefree and relaxed, for instance, can be a source of loneliness.

The opposite of loneliness is togetherness, a feeling of “affectionate closeness” [thesaurus.com]. Initiating connection, checking up on an old friend or grabbing lunch with an acquaintance, cultivates togetherness, but this principle might ring a bit hollow during the middle of a pandemic. Are we doomed to suffer alone because our government mandates we stay apart?

The Solution to Loneliness

From the beginning of the New Testament, the author of the book of Matthew speaks of Jesus as “Emmanuel”, meaning “God with us” (Matthew 1:23). I envy the disciples who walked the earth with Jesus Christ. They saw, heard, and touched God in the flesh. It’s hard to imagine they doubted that God was really with them!

But right before Jesus left the earth, he spoke of sending his disciples a helper “who would be with them forever” (John 14:16 ESV). This helper is the Holy Spirit, and God gives Him to all believers (Galatians 4:6).

Alone Together

The modern church does not emphasize the Holy Spirit as it once used to, leaving the concept unfamiliar or even creepy to many people. But He is the ultimate manifestation of God with us today. God was not satisfied with looking down on us from above or even walking beside us here on earth. He decided that His chief residence after the resurrection would be within each of us. This means that no matter what we’re going through or where we are, He is still with us.

The one thing that kept me going through my lonely first year of graduate school was the closeness of God. As I spent days turning wrenches and nights crying out to my heavenly Father, I experienced the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within me. He was an ever-present friend in the absence of community, and during this pandemic, as I find myself alone once more, He is still with me.

Conclusion

If you are struggling with loneliness during this season, know that the Holy Spirit “can be the friend that sticks closer to you than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24 ESV). Maybe social distancing was just the space God needed to draw near to you.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

 Romans 5:5 ESV