Tag: forgiveness

Siren Songs and Healing Balm

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I never thought that an episode of the hit comedy Brooklyn 99 would leave me emotional. The precinct’s new police captain was a little too perfect, so the officers did everything in their power to find out what was really going on with this interloper. But in the end, all their meddling served to do was alienate the only good captain they’d ever had. That storyline hit a little too close to home for me. Have you ever pushed away a good friend or girlfriend? Have you ever committed an irreversible mistake that still haunts you till today? I have.

As I’ve quoted so often in this blog, “to err is human.” To be a member of mankind is to make mistakes, but to live with the consequences feels so inhumane. There were whole months earlier this year when I woke up every day wishing for a redo button, a groundhog day switch, that’d allow me to undo all of my poor choices. Before I knew it, I’d sunk deep into the dark tendrils of regret and bitterness.

The Siren Song of Regret and Bitterness

Why is the sorrowful siren song of regret so alluring? Because regret is a time travel tonic; sipping on it enables you to teleport yourself back to yesterday and rustle through its shattered remains looking for answers. With 20-20 hindsight you can see the better actions you could have taken and the superior words you could have spoken. You can leverage your present self to beat down your former self.

The second sickly sweet serenade comes from bitterness. Instead of internalizing blame, we unleash it on others. We blame our parents for the way they raised us (or failed to do so). We blame our life circumstances for dealing us an unfair hand. Or we blame God because with His sovereignty and divine purview, surely He is responsible for all we’ve gone through.

These two powerful emotions can shackle us to our past, rob us of our joy, and steal our destiny. But is there a third option? Is there a way to rise above the regret and bitterness of yesterday?

The Balm of Forgiveness

I think the answer begins with the balm of forgiveness. The healing power of forgiveness lies in letting go. Regret stems from holding on to unforgiveness against ourselves and bitterness springs from holding on to unforgiveness against others (including God).

However, Scripture says, “If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Forgiving ourselves means believing that we are not the same person we once were and that it’s okay to not have been the person we needed to be back then. Just as our bodily flesh replaces itself every single month, our spirit man regenerates on a day-to-day basis (2 Corinthians 4:16). And we can’t hold our past self captive to our present self’s capabilities.

Forgiving others is based on a similar principle. By maximizing grace toward others, we minimize the pain we carry in ourselves. I’ve had others threaten my friendships, my future, and even my very life, but only later have I come to know the demons they were wrestling within as they lashed out at me (Titus 3:3-6). If we judge others by our best while looking at their worst, it’s all too easy to condemn them. But considering others at their best and forgiving their worst has a way of healing our own pain over time.

The Peace of Wrestling

Lastly, there’s forgiving God, which is a strange, unseemly concept for most of us. But I believe that we can carry past hurts against God that we never deal with because we conclude that either God can’t really be who He says He is (perfect, powerful, and present) or we must be so far gone that He chose not to show us the trifecta of His loving character. But God says, “Come, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). The word translated “reason” in Hebrew is “yakach” and it means to “argue for the sake of bringing someone to a point of understanding.”

When God upsets us, He actually wants us to let Him know. He wants us to argue with Him and confront Him, to express the yucky feelings that we feel shouldn’t be spewed on holy ground because then He can roll up His sleeves and clean up the mess. There’s a reason God called the Hebrews the “Israelites”—”those who wrestle with God” by definition. It’s only in the struggle that we can make peace with God.

Conclusion

So, as we move out of 2024, let us not remain entrapped by the siren call of regret and bitterness. Let us choose the healing balm of forgiveness, let us find freedom, and let us practice faith for a better new year.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
(Ephesians 4:32)

Reasons I’m Grateful for My Mom’s Life

Ife J. Ibitayo

If you asked me to fly to a new country to shelve my Ph. D. for a couple decades to raise three rambunctious boys, I would have laughed in your face.  The depth of that sacrifice, the height of that love mystifies me. And yet that is exactly what my mom did. This year, I was moved to write the 57 58 Reasons I’m Grateful for My Mom’s Life. And I wanted to highlight a few key items from that list.

She Showed Up for Every Big Moment

I attended a boarding school for the last two years of high school. I spent several weeks explaining to my parents why there was no need for them to come up for my graduation. But that morning, as I was preparing to walk the stage alone, I received a random call from my mom. She was asking for directions, and I was frustratedly trying to figure out why she needed them right now until she revealed the whole family had just arrived in town. That day was one of the happiest moments of my life, and my friends relayed how loudly I paraded my family around my old stomping grounds.

She Rises Early Every Morning

Ever since I was young, my mom would disappear for hours on end early in the morning. If I couldn’t find her, I’d tiptoe into her study and see her praying, reading her Bible, or praising God. Day in and day out, she prioritized God’s presence. And because of her example, I began to prioritize God’s presence too.

She Supports My Dreams

No matter the dream or passion I’ve had on my heart, my mom has always supported it. I was a bench player on the junior varsity basketball team in my small high school. When the entire team consists of seven players, that is definitely saying something! And yet, my mom would pick me up day after day, week after week from our late basketball practices. I never did become the next Jordan, but I did learn the value of commitment. My mom wouldn’t stop putting in the effort to support me as long as I dedicated myself to improving my craft.

She Forgives My Mistakes

One particular winter during college, I committed the cardinal sin of misdating my mom’s birthday. I called her up and excitedly wished her a special day. I could hear the pain in her voice as she thanked me and said it was actually two days from now.

Forgotten birthdays, neglected dishes, and broken washing machines can tally up to a mighty mountain of resentment, but my mom has forgiven me for every little mistake and every big one too.

So I say happy birthday, Mom, and thank you for everything!

“Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!'”

(Proverbs 31:29)

Blank Space

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I spent last Saturday in Los Angeles’ remarkable Koreatown with a dozen of my friends. From salivating over tender bulgogi to munching on a toasted fish waffle, I and my stomach will cherish that sunny afternoon. But the highlight of that weekend was definitely karaoke.

The crooning of Ed Sheeran and the hoarse howling of Bruno Mars transported me back to my teenage years faster than the DeLorean. And our song choices seemed especially apt for the Valentine’s Month, alternating between sappy serenades and heartbreak belters.

But one song in particular from that tangled love sequence arrested my attention: Blank Space by Taylor Swift. If you don’t remember attempting to tune out that chart-topping pop song, here are some of the lyrics to “refresh” your memory:

So it’s gonna be forever,

Or it’s gonna go down in flames.

 It’ll leave you breathless, mm

Or with a nasty scar.

Got a long list of ex-lovers.

They’ll tell you I’m insane,

But I’ve got a blank space, baby,

And I’ll write your name.

Besides forcing me to seriously question the moral fabric of the music industry, this song made me reflect on the extreme nature of many of our relationships. They’re either sweet, or they’re bitter. “I love her,” or “I hate her.” Whether it’s marriage, business partnerships, or friendships, “it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames.”

No Space

But this is not the way God treats us. Of all the beings in the universe with ample reason to hold a grudge, God tops the list. He created a good world, filled it with good things, and gave it us, originally good people. Yet we shortly thereafter broke every single one of His rules, and we’ve engaged in hostile revolt ever since.

We are the backstabbing friend. We are the cheating wife. We are Brutus, Benedict, and Judas rolled into one. And yet, in the book of Hebrews, God says, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12).

A pastor once said God is like a judge trying a murderer. But when the man is convicted for his crime, the judge steps down from his bench, takes off his robe, and insists he take the man’s place. The book of Isaiah summarizes this tremendous exchange: “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:6).

White Space

And so, by drawing from this deep well filled with the precious blood of Christ, God demands we forgive. God asks us to forgive each other “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22) because He forgave us a million times. He pleads for us to lay down our hurt, anger, and pride at the foot of the cross. He says, “‘I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions,” (Isaiah 43:25) leaving our blackened hearts as white as snow. And in that blank space, He wants to write His name.

“For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”

(Psalm 103:11-12)

Hitler, Will Smith, and Cancel Culture

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I’ve always rooted against Germany’s soccer team. As a matter of course, I favor Latin American teams over European teams, and I admit to being a Brazilian bandwagoner. But for some reason, I despised Germany in particular.

On a completely unrelated note, I voraciously devoured Holocaust novels as a child. Night by Elie Wiesel, The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, and many other lesser-known novels gripped my imagination as an elementary student. My brain just couldn’t piece together how so great a nation could commit so great an atrocity.

It wasn’t until I read a book called Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas that I finally connected the two: “At the beginning of the war, it was possible to separate the Nazis from the Germans and recognize that not all Germans were Nazis. As the clash between [Germany and Britain] wore on, and as more and more English fathers and sons and brothers died, distinguishing the difference became more difficult. Eventually the difference vanished altogether…As [Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s parents] took in the hard news that the good man who was their son was now dead, so too, many English took in the hard news that the dead man who was a German was good.”

The Truth Behind Cancel Culture

My subtle subconscious prejudice may sound rather incredible, especially as a young black man growing up in the racially charged streets of America. But I believe a wider social practice of this is rampant today. It is called “cancel culture.” Dictionary.com defines cancel culture as “publicly rejecting, boycotting, or ending support for particular people or groups because of their socially or morally unacceptable views or actions.”

Interestingly enough, after Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars’ his biggest fear was “being cancelled.” Now cancel culture isn’t inherently evil. We’ve entered a day and age where individuals have been empowered to force powerful public figures and organizations to reckon with their actions. However, it is telling that cancel culture has no timeline associated with it. Once someone is cancelled, they will always be.

At the root of permanent cancel culture is a heart of unforgiveness. Cancel culture says, “No matter how deep your contrition, no matter how great your atonement, you are dead to me.” But Jesus Christ said, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them” (Luke 17:3). Forgiveness is sensitive, it welcomes the penitent. But unforgiveness is ossified, it will always be too late, and it will never be enough.

Now a word must be said about consequences. True repentance demands restitution. For instance, after World War II, Germany paid reparations for nearly ten years, and it’s standard of living was set back by a decade as well.    

However, when Germany calls out Russia on its war crimes in Ukraine, the rest of us don’t roll our eyes. We listen intently because Germany has been forgiven and restored just as we hope Russia can one day be.

Conclusion

I needed a fresh reminder that Germany has given us some of the world’s greatest treasures: the Protestant Reformation, the printing press, and the BMW. Germany is more than Hitler; Russia is more than Putin; and Will Smith is more than a slap. If we accept this truth, we might be able to foster a culture of reconciliation rather than cancellation.   

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
(Ephesians 4:32)

Heartbreak Hero

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Last week, I had my heart ripped out. Actually, it was a more protracted operation: a piece here, a shard there until it felt like there was nothing left.

When romantic relationships fail, pain follows. It’s the ever-present companion of every heartbreak hero. It threatens to wrap itself around our eyeballs and frame our uncertain future from now on.

There are no easy remedies to mend a broken heart, but there are several things that can make it worse.

Regret

The first is overwhelming regret. When my relationship dissolved, I found myself plagued by the question: “What could I have done better?” Our thoughts will condemn and second guess every decision we made: tulips rather than roses, choosing the action flick over the romantic comedy, or suggesting they meet our parents after the third date.

The Bible affirms that our hearts have a tendency to alternate between condemning and excusing us (Romans 2:15). But that’s no way to live! 1 John 3:20 says that “if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” Rather than reliving every past mistake, we must learn from them, and pray that God gives us the strength not to repeat them in our next relationship.

Anger

There is good reason for the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Just as love can bring out the best in us, it can also bring out the worst. I never realized how petty, vindictive, and easily frustrated I was until I fell in love. And when love is lost, all these death blossoms flourish into full bloom.

Anger is a cancer that can pervade every aspect of our lives. It can rob us of physical health, emotional stability, and spiritual peace. And it only has one antidote: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we must receive from the Spirit because it is completely unnatural for us.

Jesus said “I’m the vine. You are the branches. Apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We don’t have it in ourselves to let go of every ghosted text, every missed phone call, every dollar and hour we spent in pursuit of our lover’s heart. But when we forgive, we not only let our past flame go, we let ourselves go as well. We release ourselves from the shackles of hatred and bitterness. We’ll carry those chains into every future relationship if we don’t uncuff ourselves today.

Fear

Lastly, breakups can leave us with two fears about our future: 1. How will I ever find another like her/him? 2. How can I ever let myself be vulnerable again?

Satan will tempt us to believe that that special person we lost was our last shot at a happily every after. But God says, “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). God is the ultimate matchmaker for each and every one of us. His process may not be pain free, and it may not run on our schedule. But it is good.

 Secondly, vulnerability is the fruit of a healthy heart. Just as we only use a cast on a broken arm, we only wall up our hearts when they’re still wounded. This healing, once again, only comes from God. God says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). That promise extends even to our shattered, aching heart fragments.

Conclusion

I call us heartbreak heroes because the Author always watches over His protagonists. We may not know how to move forward with blood still dripping out of our chests. And the healing process will take time. But the story really will be a good one, even if we wish we could skip to the next chapter.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 8:38-39)

The Love of the LORD (Love Is… Part 3)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

For Part 1, “Love is Patient”, click here. For Part 2, “Love is Kind”, click here.

I hate my name. Let me explain why before my mom dials me with a very angry phone call. My full name is Ifeoluwa, meaning the “Love of the LORD.” In Nigerian culture, names carry weight. They describe who you are called to be from cradle to grave. And through my few decades of living, I can already see how short I fall of my own.

Loving Through Rebuffing

December 25, 2015 was my first opportunity to play a Christmas playlist I curated for my family. At 7 AM, I began blasting the great classics like “What Christmas Means to Me” and “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” If you don’t recognize those songs, don’t worry, neither did my family. And they gently asked me to put on some more traditional Christmas tracks.

I grated at their lack of appreciation and dragged my little brother downstairs, certain he’d value my awesome musical selections. Being slightly more interested in his Christmas presents, he didn’t, and I shoved him. I hadn’t ever laid hands on my little brother like that, and for me to attack for him something so trivial shook me.

Speaking of the Israelites as the little children in His life, God said through the prophet Hosea, “‘When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called My son. But the more they were called, the more they went away from Me. They sacrificed to the Baals, and they burned incense to images. It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them” (Hosea 11:1-13 NIV).

God’s own children abandoned Him. They turned their backs on Him and spurned His loving care. They took His blessings but rejected His instruction. Yet His faithful love for them never wavered. He healed them graciously, deferred His wrath mercifully, and disciplined them justly. He was never fickle or petty. In other words, He wasn’t like me.

Loving Through Suffering

My college experience encompassed the most trying years of my life. I spoke of the loneliness I endured during that season in a previous article. But that was only a small drop in the toxic brew that made my experience so bitter. A large source of my pain stemmed from my relationship with a professor I studied under.

My first year with him, he was distant. I could count the number of times I had a private conversation with him on one hand. The next, he was too close for comfort. He’d reach out at all manner of day and night, demanding results and pushing expectations. His moods whipped with the wind, from sunny and jovial one day to stormy and irritable the next. The pressure of his demands drove me to my very breaking point, and his hurtful words stabbed deep into my soul.

Nearing graduation, I vowed to forgive him for everything he’d done, but I always remained on edge in his presence. And after I graduated, every time I thought of him, the old pain would resurface, and I’d have to turn my thoughts to other things.

Yet Jesus begged His Father while being murdered on the cross, “‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’” (Luke 23:24 NIV). The God of love was able to forgive those who only took from Him, while I struggled to forgive a man who contributed to where I am today.

Conclusion

I am not Ifeoluwa. I am not the “Love of the LORD.” I am not Jesus. But my saving grace is that Jesus is Jesus. He loved me even when I hated Him. He will continue to teach me how to be more like my Father because He’s made me His son. And through His work on the inside of me, I’ll bear a little more resemblance to the tremendous name I’ve been given.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

(1 John 4:10 NIV)