Tag: bitterness

Blank Space

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I spent last Saturday in Los Angeles’ remarkable Koreatown with a dozen of my friends. From salivating over tender bulgogi to munching on a toasted fish waffle, I and my stomach will cherish that sunny afternoon. But the highlight of that weekend was definitely karaoke.

The crooning of Ed Sheeran and the hoarse howling of Bruno Mars transported me back to my teenage years faster than the DeLorean. And our song choices seemed especially apt for the Valentine’s Month, alternating between sappy serenades and heartbreak belters.

But one song in particular from that tangled love sequence arrested my attention: Blank Space by Taylor Swift. If you don’t remember attempting to tune out that chart-topping pop song, here are some of the lyrics to “refresh” your memory:

So it’s gonna be forever,

Or it’s gonna go down in flames.

 It’ll leave you breathless, mm

Or with a nasty scar.

Got a long list of ex-lovers.

They’ll tell you I’m insane,

But I’ve got a blank space, baby,

And I’ll write your name.

Besides forcing me to seriously question the moral fabric of the music industry, this song made me reflect on the extreme nature of many of our relationships. They’re either sweet, or they’re bitter. “I love her,” or “I hate her.” Whether it’s marriage, business partnerships, or friendships, “it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames.”

No Space

But this is not the way God treats us. Of all the beings in the universe with ample reason to hold a grudge, God tops the list. He created a good world, filled it with good things, and gave it us, originally good people. Yet we shortly thereafter broke every single one of His rules, and we’ve engaged in hostile revolt ever since.

We are the backstabbing friend. We are the cheating wife. We are Brutus, Benedict, and Judas rolled into one. And yet, in the book of Hebrews, God says, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12).

A pastor once said God is like a judge trying a murderer. But when the man is convicted for his crime, the judge steps down from his bench, takes off his robe, and insists he take the man’s place. The book of Isaiah summarizes this tremendous exchange: “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:6).

White Space

And so, by drawing from this deep well filled with the precious blood of Christ, God demands we forgive. God asks us to forgive each other “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22) because He forgave us a million times. He pleads for us to lay down our hurt, anger, and pride at the foot of the cross. He says, “‘I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions,” (Isaiah 43:25) leaving our blackened hearts as white as snow. And in that blank space, He wants to write His name.

“For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”

(Psalm 103:11-12)

The Rot of Jealousy (How the Mighty Fall Pt. 3)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

For Part 1, “Mighty Presumption”, click here. For Part 2, “Putting First Things Second”, click here.

The last nail in the coffin of Saul’s leadership followed hot on the heels of a great victory. The shepherd boy David had just defeated the giant Goliath with a sling and a stone. The Israelites had routed the Philistinian army, and the conquering heroes returned home to much singing and fanfare. The women broke out in song, “‘Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands!’ But this made Saul very angry. ‘What’s this?’ he said. ‘They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they’ll be making him their king!’ So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David (1 Samuel 18:7-9).” Jealousy was the final rot that toppled the tree of Saul’s legacy.

Jealousy Rots Happiness

Firstly, jealousy wreaks havoc on our emotions. Jealous leaders are short-tempered (1 Samuel 20:30), fearful (1 Samuel 18:12), and paranoid (1 Samuel 22:13).

The stability of our emotions is rooted in the source of our identity. If we define our leadership based on something that’s continually evolving like the progress of our graduating class or Fortune’s top 500 CEOs, our emotions will always be in flux. When we feel like we’re ahead, we’ll be on top of the world, riding high on our surging pride. But if we fall behind, which we inevitably will at some point in our journey, we’ll be crushed by the weight of unmet expectations. Our identity must be rooted in something fixed and unchanging if we ever want to develop emotions that are tranquil and harmonious.

Jealousy Rots Friendship

Secondly, a jealous leader will drive away key advisors and associates. David served in Saul’s inner court long before he himself became king. Every day he soothed the king’s frayed nerves by strumming masterful songs on his lyre. But the day following David’s defeat of Goliath, Saul tried to impale the young man on the tip of his spear, twice (1 Samuel 18:11)! He even attacked his very own son, Jonathan, when he protected the shepherd boy (1 Samuel 20:33)!

Jealousy will transform our closest allies into our bitter rivals. If we hold on to this emotion, we’ll soon find that it really is “lonely at the top.”

Jealousy Rots Leadership

Lastly, jealousy prevents leaders from fulfilling their responsibilities as a leader. Saul enlisted Israel’s best and brightest to hunt down one of his most loyal citizens (1 Samuel 24:2). So distracted was he by his hunt for this shepherd boy that a foreign nation was able to penetrated deep into his territory in the meantime (1 Samuel 23:19-27)!

When a leader fixes their gaze on someone else, of course they won’t be in a position to lead their own people well. It’s like you’re driving your family on the highway in your beat-up Prius while staring out your window at the Maserati cruising next to you. It’s just a matter of time before you–and everyone with you–suffers harm. We have to fix our gaze straight ahead on whatever God has called us to do if we want to finish it well.

Conclusion

When Saul fell into jealousy, his kingdom fell as well. His sons died in battle (1 Samuel 31:2). His people fled from their homes for their very lives (1 Samuel 31:7). And his dying moments were ignoble and pitiful (1 Samuel 31:3-5). If we let jealousy consume our leadership, it will consume all we hoped to build as well.

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

(Proverbs 14:30)

Foundation of Forgiveness (Healing House Pt. 2)

For Part 1, “Reframing”, click here.

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Perhaps the greatest virtue in the world is forgiveness. I can dole it out in spades when someone scuffs my shoe or bumps my shoulder. But what about when life gets real? For instance, when I was in elementary school, I told my best friends who my crush was. The following day, my whole class knew. A bully in my class tormented me for months with fake notes and prank calls. This kind of story sticks to your heart like glue.

When we’re hurt, our first reflex is to hold on to that offense. When others do us wrong, they owe us. When life does us wrong, life owes us. When God does us wrong, God owes us. Our unhealed wounds give us an ever-flowing well of gripes and complaints that we draw upon to justify our present unhappiness and discontent. It provides a refuge in a bitter and cold world.

Mold of Unforgiveness

But most of us don’t realize we’re acting this way. Unforgiveness is like mold. It creeps in slowly, silently. Then it poisons every relationship in our life.

I remember one man I worked for. He was responsible for some of the most painful years of my life. One day, as I was crying out to God about the pain he’d caused me, I felt led by God to ask for his forgiveness (see Isaiah 55:9-10). So I followed through. I asked for the man’s forgiveness and internally made the decision to extend forgiveness to him as well. But I spent the rest of my tenure under him stiff and on edge.

Just as I illustrated, our forgiveness will tend to be half-hearted or, at best, incomplete. The sage King Solomon once said that “if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head” (Romans 12:20). But our forgiveness often looks like just stopping short of “heaping fiery coals on their head.”

Opening the Door

Some have said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wishing the other person would die. I’d say it’s like lighting their house on fire, then realizing you’re the one trapped in the flames. When we let others go, we set ourselves free. We fling the front door open and let the driving rain of grace and mercy in.

But as I said before, unforgiveness is our natural reflex, and it’s largely invisible to us. Most of us have let roots of bitterness spring up within us (Hebrews 12:15) because of our ungrateful children or our combative spouse or our demanding boss.  But God is the Lord of reconciliation, and He has created us to be ambassadors of reconciliation at home, at school, and at our workplaces (2 Corinthians 5:18). He loves to reconcile the estranged.

The first step is prayer. Countless believes have shared stories about how their hatred melted into compassion when they began praying for those who have wounded them. The word says that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:17), and that includes the power to crack hearts of stone, including our own. The last step might be initiating contact: a phone call, a coffee break, or even dinner.

Conclusion

Forgiveness must come first. All other foundations are shifting sand. Just as our relationship with God started with the forgiveness He gave us through the death of His Son, so does our relationship with everyone else. Let bitterness die; let forgiveness bloom; and start building well.

“’Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.’”

(Matthew 7:24-27)