Tag: alone

Blessed Singleness

By Ife J. Ibitayo

We all tend to neglect the benefits of the season of life we’re in. When I was completing my bachelor’s degree, the end of the rainbow was the beginning of my master’s degree. Then it became the beginning of my working career. Now it’s retirement. Similarly, most of us don’t appreciate the benefits of the relational season of life God has placed us in. Every single single person I know is pining after their wedding day. All married people are waiting for children. Then as soon as these little, nutty creatures are born, they want to be empty nesters and grandparents.

An intriguing article I read called “Is Anticipation Even Better Than the Real Thing?” said, “The pleasure derived from anticipating something enjoyable is often equal to or greater than the pleasure derived from the event itself. This is because we’re inventing and idealizing the future.”

 When we anticipate the future, we think our future wife will be the implacable Carol Brady, the perceptive Claire Huxtable, and the vivacious Vivian Banks all rolled into one. But when she loses her temper or burns the cookies (again) or zonks out at 9 o’ clock for the tenth day in a row, we suddenly realize our earth angel is all too human. Conversely, we minimize the benefits of our current season and magnify its drawbacks.

Time

One of the most important benefits of singleness is time, which meaningful relationships tend to gobble up. It takes time to call my friends each week and drive to my cousin’s each month and fly home to my family each year.  I perpetually find myself in need of more time, not less. The extra free time I have allows me to take long prayer walks in my neighborhood. It has encouraged me to open my home to young adults on Thursday nights and serve in a variety of capacities at my church. And it has given me a chance to plug away at my many writing projects: including this blog you’re reading right now.

Flexibility

Secondly, singleness grants me flexibility that married people don’t have. I once called up a friend of mine who’d checked into an alcohol recovery program in southern Virginia. I offered to drive down to see him that same night, and though he turned me down, I realized later that these are the kinds of offers only singles can make (in good conscience).

Conclusion

Someone once said, “singleness is the gift everyone’s looking to regift.” I admit, I wrestle with this idea daily. Almost by the hour I find myself silently praying for God to send me my special someone. But I’ve slowly come to appreciate the unique privileges of singleness. We regret the opportunities that we let pass us by. So I’m trying to wring out every drop of this blessed season of my life until the next one comes.

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.”

(1 Timothy 6:6)

Standing Above the Lovelorn Sea

By Ife J. Ibitayo

If winter is the season I hate the most, February is its worst month. January at least has New Year’s Day, and I still bask in warm reminiscence of March’s spring break. But the month of February has no holidays, well any worth celebrating when you’re single.

Fresh flowers, cuddly bears, and red hearts assail me at grocery stores. Affectionate couples shame me at dine-in restaurants and movie theatres. Twenty-eight days mock me with a singular reminder: “You’re all alone, buddy.”

This pain is especially personal to me because I was ready to be married by the time I turned fifteen. Yep, by then I’d already hung up my cap, kissed my bachelor glory days goodbye, and poised my pen to write a new chapter in my story. Fast forward a decade later and that page has remained (astonishingly) blank. Being a romantic at heart, I embraced several of our culture’s fallacies about love.

You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You

The first lie I believe was best sung by the venerable Dean Martin: “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” I wanted to be somebody! I took growing up in a loving family for granted. My parents and my brothers have to love me. I wanted someone who didn’t have to have me in their life, but of all the men on the face of this planet, they chose me alone forever.

You’re Half a Person Until You Meet Your Other Half

The second lie I accepted was that you’re incomplete until you meet your other half. I felt this “truth” viscerally, like a hole in my soul that could only be filled by the right woman. She’d alleviate my insecurities, heal my scars, and secure my destiny. Therapist Esther Perel said it well, “We come to one person, and we are asking them to give us what an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and all in one.” In short, she’d be my salvation.

Your Somebody/Your Other Half

As outsized as this expectation may sound, I actually don’t think it’s wrong. It just took me the better part of a decade to realize that it was misplaced. Appropriating a well-known quote from C.S. Lewis, “If we find ourselves with a desire that no being in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another being.” And that being is the one who made us: God.

Through the overwhelming pain and triumphant victories I’ve experienced in life, I’ve learned that God is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. Someone did choose me alone forever for a loving relationship. Ephesians 1:4 says, “Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.” And my relationship with Him has given me belonging, identity, and continuity. For 1 John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” God is my transcendence and my mystery all in one!

Conclusion

My relationship with God has not weakened my desire to find my soulmate. Rather, it has provided a safe harbor to continue looking from. Until I find her, I know I stand high above the lovelorn seas. I rest in the arms of my heavenly Father until He sweeps me up in the triune bliss of romantic love.  

“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

A Tale of Two Years

By Ife. J. Ibitayo

I’ve been replaying the highlights of 2021 in my head a lot. Like a CD on repeat, I first think:

2021 was a terrible year. It started with horrific loneliness. For months I didn’t see any of my friends or family members. I would often call up my mom because “I just needed to talk.” Then followed the most stressful months of work I’ve ever had on the job. I shouldered a workload that would have been reserved for a whole team if I were working at a larger company. Then spring gave way to a summer of crushing rejection. I was rejected romantically and disappointed professionally. Then my year wrapped up with someone in my family being diagnosed with cancer and an SUV nearly running me over.

Another Year

But then I hit the pause button and flip over to the B-side of my memories, and I start the recording over again:

2021 was a tremendous year! It was a year of firsts: my first publication, my first date, and my first raise. From when I got vaccinated in last April, the world popped with technicolor and neon light. I was finally able to return to church, eating out, and hanging out. It was a year of healing. The high blood pressure I was diagnosed with in late 2020 vanished by early 2021 for no apparent reason. The anxiety and stress I’ve struggled with for the past several years dissipated as the LORD filled me with His peace. A family member of mine recovered miraculously from an invasive surgery. And God protected me from a speeding SUV that decided it liked the sidewalk better than the highway!

Which version of 2021 is reality? Was it a terrible year with glimpses of the tremendous or a tremendous year with flashes of the terrible?

Conclusion

CNN’s 2021 “Year in Pictures” captures a glimpse of the global lows and highs of these past twelve months. 2021 was the year of Delta and Omicron, capitol rioting, and the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, but it was also the year of record high vaccinations, the completion of the 2020 Summer Olympics, and the conviction of Ahmaud Arbery’s murderers. It was a year of tears for everyone, both of sorrow and of joy.

When I look back on 2021, I don’t think I’ll ever recollect it fondly. Yet I know it was profoundly important. I’ve seen myself from new vantage points that I didn’t have the perspective for last year. These trials have exercised my soul in ways my pleasant childhood never could have. And I’ve seen a similar pattern among my friends and family members as well.

New leaders have stepped up in church and the community. A complacent generation has been roused to its feet by being forced to its knees. And an unrelenting virus has breathed new life into spiritual realities by taking our breath away.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”

(Romans 8:28-29)

Loneliness

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I had envisioned graduate school would be a much needed fresh start after my exhausting senior year of undergrad. I’d take informative classes, conduct exciting research, and form lasting friendships. But the reality was far less glamorous than I had imagined.

I found myself slaving away at a project that was six months behind schedule. I also formed connections a lot slower than I thought I would. During my first year of graduate school, I felt crushingly alone.

The Source of Loneliness

 I think that all loneliness stems from a sense of distance. The distance can be physical, such as geographical separation or different waking hours, or it can be emotional. A season when you feel harried and harassed while everyone else seems carefree and relaxed, for instance, can be a source of loneliness.

The opposite of loneliness is togetherness, a feeling of “affectionate closeness” [thesaurus.com]. Initiating connection, checking up on an old friend or grabbing lunch with an acquaintance, cultivates togetherness, but this principle might ring a bit hollow during the middle of a pandemic. Are we doomed to suffer alone because our government mandates we stay apart?

The Solution to Loneliness

From the beginning of the New Testament, the author of the book of Matthew speaks of Jesus as “Emmanuel”, meaning “God with us” (Matthew 1:23). I envy the disciples who walked the earth with Jesus Christ. They saw, heard, and touched God in the flesh. It’s hard to imagine they doubted that God was really with them!

But right before Jesus left the earth, he spoke of sending his disciples a helper “who would be with them forever” (John 14:16 ESV). This helper is the Holy Spirit, and God gives Him to all believers (Galatians 4:6).

Alone Together

The modern church does not emphasize the Holy Spirit as it once used to, leaving the concept unfamiliar or even creepy to many people. But He is the ultimate manifestation of God with us today. God was not satisfied with looking down on us from above or even walking beside us here on earth. He decided that His chief residence after the resurrection would be within each of us. This means that no matter what we’re going through or where we are, He is still with us.

The one thing that kept me going through my lonely first year of graduate school was the closeness of God. As I spent days turning wrenches and nights crying out to my heavenly Father, I experienced the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within me. He was an ever-present friend in the absence of community, and during this pandemic, as I find myself alone once more, He is still with me.

Conclusion

If you are struggling with loneliness during this season, know that the Holy Spirit “can be the friend that sticks closer to you than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24 ESV). Maybe social distancing was just the space God needed to draw near to you.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

 Romans 5:5 ESV

Home

By Ife J. Ibitayo

I consider myself a bit of an American nomad. Before I turned eighteen, I had already lived in four different states and half a dozen different cities. Every move brought something fresh and exciting: Frigid winters in Michigan, sweltering heat in Florida, luscious vistas in California, and wilting shrubs in Texas. New friends and adventures awaited me every year of my childhood, yet I still feel like there was something missing from it.

The most troubling small talk question anyone can ask me is: “Where are you from?” I will immediately begin to hem and haw, trying to decide how much detail to go into when describing my backstory. In many ways I don’t feel like I’m “from” anywhere. Once I give that sputtering nonanswer, many people rephrase the question as: “Where is home for you?” This question is not hard to answer for many people. They may consider their home their hometown or their homeland or wherever their family lives at the moment, but I want to understand what “home” truly is.

What is Home?

I think a definition that might begin to capture some of the essence of homeness is that home is a “welcome familiarity”. Familiarity is the key aspect of this definition that most people will recognize. What makes a people “homey”, for instance, is that they speak your language or bear your skin color or share your interests. However, familiarity alone is not enough. Martin Luther King Jr. lived in the United States his whole life, but he never felt at home here. He fought to change the status quo of racism, the familiar, because it was utterly unwelcome to him. This is why I define home as both familiar and welcome. It is both what one is used to and what one longs for.

The Way Home

Everyone desires a home. This desire is the reason why two-thirds of college students experience homesickness [CIRP: https://www.heri.ucla.edu/infographics/2012-YFCY-Infographic.pdf], even though teenagers will be the first to tell you they want to get away from home as soon as possible. Home provides a sense of constancy in the face of a fluidly changing world. With a fluctuating stock market, a volatile job market, and frustratingly empty supermarkets, a home provides a safe space you can return to and know what to expect.

If you are like me, you may be currently “homeless”. You may have left any sense of home you’ve had behind and be wondering if you’ll ever find it again. According to the Bible, we’re not the only ones who’ve wrestled with homelessness.

The author of the book of Hebrews, speaking of the heroes of the Christian faith, said they “acknowledged that they were foreigners and strangers on the earth” (Hebrews 11:13b, NIV). If home can only be found here on earth, then these brave women and men are worthy of our pity (1 Corinthians 15:19). But the author goes on to speak of a “better country”, a heavenly homeland for all who put their faith in Jesus Christ. This heavenly homeland is familiar—like a family reunion (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18); it is welcome—like a rollicking party (Luke 15:23-25); and it is permanent (Daniel 7:18).

Conclusion

If you find a home here on earth, lay hold of it. Cherish it. Share it with others. But if you don’t, take comfort in the fact that one day you will finally, eternally be home.

“There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.”

John 14:2-3 (NLT)