The Better Testimony (Returning from Exile Pt. 2)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

For Part 1, “Exile Mentality”, click here.

I’m still a young man, yet I’m already haunted by some of my past mistakes. I was a horrible roommate back in college. I’ve had so many snafus with my little brother that it’s a wonder he still (sort of) likes me. And I’ve failed as a leader so many times that I’ve lost count. But while I was mulling over my mistakes, a little-known story from the Bible came to my mind.

Terrible Testimony

After the Israelites returned from exile, a prophet named Zechariah began to receive visions from God. In one of these, he saw Joshua, their high priest, standing before the LORD. He was covered with feces, and Satan stood right beside him, prosecuting him in God’s courtroom (Zechariah 3:1).

Just like Satan, our haters cut us down with hurtful words. A father glowers at his son and mutters, “You really are useless.” A coach snipes at one of her bench players, “You’re always going to be sitting there, so why don’t you just quit?” And that’s just the voices without. The voices within tell us far nastier things. Every voice we hear seams to have a worse message than the last.

Transformative Testimony

But there is one voice that has a far better testimony. God verbally backhanded Satan, declaring, “The Lord rebuke you, Satan! Indeed, the Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you” (Zechariah 3:2)! God silences all the voices that speak against us because He speaks for us. As Apostle Paul said, “If God is for us, who can be against us” (Romans 8:31)! If God, the righteous Judge of all creation, doesn’t condemn us even Satan himself can’t!

Secondly, God doesn’t just silence our enemies, He speaks kind words of encouragement over us. Note that God is the “Lord who has chosen Jerusalem.” Just like God chose Jerusalem as His holy city, He’s chosen us too. We are His adopted children (1 John 3:1) and His beloved bride (Revelation 19:7-8). We are His prized possession and the apple of His eye.

And there’s still more. God doesn’t just change what we’re called, He transforms who we are. God told the heavenly beings standing by the excrement-covered high priest, “Take away his filthy garments and clothe him in pure vestments (Zechariah 3:4).” He trades our rags for riches. He grabs us off the bench and thrusts us into the game. He changes our story.

Conclusion

But in spite of our new identity in Christ, we are free to return to our filthy rags. We’re like dogs licking up their own vomit when we torment ourselves with memories of our past mistakes. Just as God cast our sins and mistakes as far away from us as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), we must fling away the labels that others put on us. We must remember, daily, who God’s called us to be. We must encourage ourselves with the better word God speaks over us: “my friend, my child, my beloved.”

“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

(Romans 8:15-16)

Exile Mentality (Returning from Exile Pt. 1)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Exile is a season of displacement. The regular rhythms of life are interrupted, and we are sent adrift physically, emotionally, and spiritually. COVID-19 caused a form of exile for all of us. Our day jobs were interrupted. Our plans were cut off. And our communities were scattered.

But now, vaccines are rolling out; cases are dropping; and fellowship is returning. Our physical exile is ending, but many people are still holding onto their exile mentalities.  Exile mentalities are the corrosive thought patterns we established to cope with our unfortunate circumstances. Three of the most common are isolation, scarcity, and deferment.

Isolation

COVID taught me to fear others. My coworkers, my neighbors, and even my friends could be invisible carriers of a disease that could literally take my breath away. So, like the rest of America, I shut myself up in my house. Now infections are down and vaccinations abound, but still some choose to remain trapped indoors. And others have just become so accustomed to living apart that they don’t want to put in the effort to journey together.

But the Word says, “Don’t neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25a). Community is not a suggestion but a command from God. I’ve found that it’s only in the presence of other people that I can truly see myself clearly. By their encouragement and exhortation, I become a better man. And I know this truth is true for you too.

Scarcity

Once COVID struck, I was amazed at what I saw at grocery stores. Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and sanitizing wipes vanished overnight. I’ve never been much of a hoarder. But when COVID struck, all that changed. I snagged that last paper towel roll like I was Swiper. I piled high the ramen like I’d never see the light of day again. I focused on putting myself first so that I wouldn’t find myself wanting.

But the Bible says, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God” (Hebrews 13:16). Just as supply chains across the country adapted to scarcity by increasing their output, so should we. As we’re leaving the leanness of COVID-19, we should abound in generosity. There are still many people out there who are still suffering from the consequences of our scarcity mindsets.

Deferment

Lastly, COVID-19 put a lot of plans on hold. Businesses didn’t launch; vacations weren’t taken; and projects weren’t attempted because the timing was no longer right. Now COVID hasn’t vanished. Many places around the world will continue to feel its impact for years to come. But 2 Corinthians 6:2 says, “Now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.” Who knows if now is the time when your computer app will be able to find a niche in the crowded marketplace? Who knows if now is the perfect time to take time off because business is slow? Who knows if now is the time to do whatever it is that God has laid on your heart because the season we’re living in will never come again in our lifetimes?

Conclusion

Exile is difficult and frustrating and so is returning from it. But just as God is with us on our mountaintops and our valley lows, He’s also with us on the steep slopes in between. And He’s holding our hand every step of the way.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

(Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Door of Delayed Gratification (Healing House Pt. 3)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

For Pt. 1, “Reframing”, click here. For Pt. 2, “Foundation of Forgiveness”, click here.

One of the most important concepts my father taught me was the principle of delayed gratification. I learned that some of the best things in life can only be received by enduring patiently. This principle has served me well throughout my life. Study now, party later. Work now, rest later. Invest now, spend later. But somewhere along the way, this principle became my eleventh commandment: “Thou shalt not enjoy now. Thou shalt reap later.”

Abiding by this commandment is like being trapped inside on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The front door of opportunity is locked. And you know it’ll open some time, but you don’t know when.

Three of the most common mistakes people make when they are stuck in this situation are: 1. Wallowing in self-pity; 2. Trying to escape; 3. Working the day away.

Self-Pity

Self-pity is a temptation for all of us, especially for those who spend most of our time consumed by work. We’ve worked through the week. Heck, we’ve worked through most of the weekend too. But now we want to step into a much needed break, and the kid gets sick, COVID strikes, or that deadline bears down on us with a vengeance. Through our windows we can see everyone else walking their dogs, kissing their sweethearts, and lounging in the sun. Why can’t that be us? Why is that never us?

King David once said a simple yet profound statement, “My times are in your hands” (Psalm 31:15). He said this because he trusted in the LORD’s absolute sovereignty. We don’t fully understand what lies beyond that door even when we really think we do. Even the most prescient among us can only predict the future with limited accuracy, but God knows it definitively. And He is working toward the one that will bring us the most joy and Him the most glory.

Escape

Secondly, we may be tempted to try to escape our situation. If we apply to enough job postings, we’re sure to find a better gig. If we buy a ticket to the west coast, we’re sure to find our way. As people say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” But your will may not be God’s way.

For instance, it was not Joseph’s will to be sold into slavery (Genesis 37) or to be imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit (Genesis 39). But instead of chafing at his present circumstances, he made the best of them. Joseph was the best servant and the best prisoner because he understood that that was God’s lot for him at the moment. And God rewarded his faithfulness by making him prime minster of the most powerful nation in the world (Genesis 41)!

Slaving Away

Lastly, when the door we’re looking to step through remains shut, we may be tempted to dedicate all of our resources to work. We may think that our perpetual slaving away is the true mark of faithfulness. But King Solomon, one of the hardest working, most accomplished men in the Bible said, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2). For years, I lived under the lie that “rest is for the blessed”, that rest is a luxury. But there’s a reason that God included the Sabbath in the original ten commandments (Exodus 20:8).

We must remember that the house that we’re trapped in has windows. Even if we can’t go outside, we can appreciate the view. We can dust off the neglected treasures God has stored up for us in the attic of our homes. We can even take a nap. Even though some options are cut off from us right now, that doesn’t mean that we are left with none.

Conclusion

We cannot wrestle open the doors of opportunities in our life through self-pity, desertion, or overworking. The Bible says, “All my days were written in your book before I even came to be” (Psalm 139:16). This means that God knows when we entered this house, and He knows when we’re supposed to leave it. Until He opens that door, we should cherish all that we can today. And we should trust in the bright hope of another beautiful Sunday afternoon tomorrow.

“But as for you, be strong; do not be discouraged, for your work will be rewarded.”

(2 Chronicles 15:7)

Foundation of Forgiveness (Healing House Pt. 2)

For Part 1, “Reframing”, click here.

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Perhaps the greatest virtue in the world is forgiveness. I can dole it out in spades when someone scuffs my shoe or bumps my shoulder. But what about when life gets real? For instance, when I was in elementary school, I told my best friends who my crush was. The following day, my whole class knew. A bully in my class tormented me for months with fake notes and prank calls. This kind of story sticks to your heart like glue.

When we’re hurt, our first reflex is to hold on to that offense. When others do us wrong, they owe us. When life does us wrong, life owes us. When God does us wrong, God owes us. Our unhealed wounds give us an ever-flowing well of gripes and complaints that we draw upon to justify our present unhappiness and discontent. It provides a refuge in a bitter and cold world.

Mold of Unforgiveness

But most of us don’t realize we’re acting this way. Unforgiveness is like mold. It creeps in slowly, silently. Then it poisons every relationship in our life.

I remember one man I worked for. He was responsible for some of the most painful years of my life. One day, as I was crying out to God about the pain he’d caused me, I felt led by God to ask for his forgiveness (see Isaiah 55:9-10). So I followed through. I asked for the man’s forgiveness and internally made the decision to extend forgiveness to him as well. But I spent the rest of my tenure under him stiff and on edge.

Just as I illustrated, our forgiveness will tend to be half-hearted or, at best, incomplete. The sage King Solomon once said that “if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head” (Romans 12:20). But our forgiveness often looks like just stopping short of “heaping fiery coals on their head.”

Opening the Door

Some have said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wishing the other person would die. I’d say it’s like lighting their house on fire, then realizing you’re the one trapped in the flames. When we let others go, we set ourselves free. We fling the front door open and let the driving rain of grace and mercy in.

But as I said before, unforgiveness is our natural reflex, and it’s largely invisible to us. Most of us have let roots of bitterness spring up within us (Hebrews 12:15) because of our ungrateful children or our combative spouse or our demanding boss.  But God is the Lord of reconciliation, and He has created us to be ambassadors of reconciliation at home, at school, and at our workplaces (2 Corinthians 5:18). He loves to reconcile the estranged.

The first step is prayer. Countless believes have shared stories about how their hatred melted into compassion when they began praying for those who have wounded them. The word says that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:17), and that includes the power to crack hearts of stone, including our own. The last step might be initiating contact: a phone call, a coffee break, or even dinner.

Conclusion

Forgiveness must come first. All other foundations are shifting sand. Just as our relationship with God started with the forgiveness He gave us through the death of His Son, so does our relationship with everyone else. Let bitterness die; let forgiveness bloom; and start building well.

“’Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.’”

(Matthew 7:24-27)

Reframing (Healing House Pt. 1)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

A well-known pastor once said that “the church spends most of its time focusing on physical healing when the most important healing we need is emotional and spiritual healing. We can find joy with a broken body, but no one can find joy with a broken spirit.”

I’ve dealt with my share of physical ailments, from habitual headaches to nagging joint issues. But these pale in comparison to the emotional pain I’ve endured: crippling discouragement, crushing rejection, and corrosive loneliness to name a few. Yet my life in my ways has not been exceptional. We all have some measure of healing that we need from the LORD.

Reframing the Past

One of the first steps to healing is reframing the past. We need to actively and aggressively search for how God was working through the events that continue to haunt us.

Reframing the past doesn’t mean putting on rose-tinted glasses. The cancer really was that bad. Being fired really was unfair. We shouldn’t trivialize the suffering we experienced. Rather, reframing is our freedom to choose the aspects of our past memories that we focus on.

I’ve shared quite a bit about the past seven years of my life. If you’ve followed my blog for long enough, you might conclude that my undergraduate years were nightmarish, my graduate years were hellish, and my COVID year has been unspeakable. But there is another side to my story that I’ve done great disservice to.

Reframing My Past

While attending the University of Texas at Austin for my undergraduate studies, I entered into a deeper relationship with God than I ever had before. I grew in the amount of time I spent in His word and in prayer. I found solace and comfort as I poured my heart out to God every night in my closet. I found friendship and community that I didn’t ask for but really needed. God released the snares of pornography from my soul. And I received a world-class education that I’m still benefiting from today.

When I attended Purdue University for my graduate studies, God brought me into an intimate and special season with Himself. He spoke with me each day and uniquely guided even my most mundane of tasks. He protected me from harm and opened up doors at just the right moment. I accomplished amazing tasks in my last year that in my wildest dreams I couldn’t have imagined on day one.

Lastly, this past year God has again shown up strong. As I was freefalling into isolation, He caught me in His safety net of friends and families. He’s cheered my heart with small and big news. And He’s healed my body and spirit through the strangest of circumstances: from an old mentor that reached out to used books that I stumbled upon.

Conclusion

As long as we remember our history for the evil it brought us, it will continue to ensnare us. It’s like having an arm that broke long ago and snapping it out of joint every time we look at it. We have to courageously let go of the trauma of the past and embrace our hope for the future.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

(Romans 8:28)

The Good, the Bad, and the Theory

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Three words—Critical Race Theory—have sparked tremendous debate in the past couple months. One of the main questions that is being asked is: What is the point of history? “According to the American Historical Association and Fairleigh Dickinson University, 70% of Democrats say that the study of history should question the past, while 84% of Republicans say that the goal is to celebrate it.” But is the picture really so black and white? Tomorrow, on July 4th, should we laud the greatness of America or ponder its shortcomings?

The Good

The United States has an amazingly blessed and tremendously rich history. We stand on the shoulders of our founding fathers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin to name a few. We evangelized the world through the centuries, from the sterling preaching of D.L. Moody to the thundering sermons of Billy Graham. We’ve innovated, revolutionized, and developed on land, air, sea, and even space. Time would fail me to tell of all the other great accomplishments that Americans have achieved. When I say I am proud to be an American, I say it with my whole being.

The Bad

Yet there is another side to this story, one that many Americans have been recently forced to confront. When our forefathers came to the United States, they didn’t “discover” a new and uninhabited land. They stole it from the Native Americans and wiped them out.

Rampant xenophobia hasn’t been aberrational and intermittent. It’s been baked into the very bedrock of our country from July 4, 1776. After our founding fathers went up to Philadelphia and wrote, “We hold this truth to be self-evident that all men are created equal,” they returned home to their wives and children on their slave plantations. We deported over a million Mexican Americans during the Great Depression to reserve jobs for white people. And while fighting to free Jews from concentration camps overseas, we relocated thousands of Japanese Americans to concentration camps at home. Just like the good, time would fail me to tell of all the great evil America has perpetrated as a nation.

Conclusion

Many who read this article will want to embrace the good and “move past” the bad, or they’ll neglect the great to focus on the evil. But God has called us to a higher standard. Just as the Israelites had an amazing heritage (Romans 9:4-5) and a tainted legacy (Psalm 106), so does the United States.

As we gather in our backyards to celebrate all things American, we should be willing to grapple with our shortcomings as well. And we should take time to thank God that He has preserved our nation for 245 years!

“Your faithfulness extends to every generation, as enduring as the earth you created.”

(Psalm 119:90)

My Extraordinary Ordinary Father

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Dedicated to my father—I am so grateful to be your son.

Every Saturday morning growing up, I was awoken by the sound of a basketball caroming off a hoop. It was the sound of my dad practicing his special double-handed overhead shot.  Most of the time I’d hop out of bed and run downstairs to join him. But sometimes I’d roll over, dig my head into my pillowcase, and try to go back to sleep. But regardless of how I responded, I knew that every Saturday morning my father would be shooting hoops in our driveway.

It wasn’t until I was older that I found out my dad wasn’t training for the NBA combine. He didn’t like basketball and knew that he’d never be good at it. But he would go out there every weekend hoping to connecting with my older brother and me.

Extraordinary

My father is extraordinary. He started his life in his America in his thirties with a wife and a baby boy. Despite his college degree from Nigeria, he worked a menial job for years as he earned an American graduate degree.

 My parents slept on a mattress on the floor in a one-bedroom apartment. They lived paycheck to paycheck and depended on WIC to make ends meet. They endured hundreds of stressful days and countless sleepless nights until they finally broke through. And we arrived in the suburbs with a two-story house, a swimming pool, and a basketball hoop.

Ordinary

But I don’t appreciate my dad just because of one extraordinary act of his. As Rome wasn’t built in one day, neither was our loving family. As I mentioned earlier, every week we’d play basketball together. Every week we’d go to church together. And every week we’d share a meal together.

These ordinary, seemingly mundane events formed the sturdy foundation of my childhood. I knew my father loved me because he was always there for me. And even when he traveled for weeks on end, I knew that when he returned, we’d pick right back up where we’d left off.

Conclusion

Proverbs 19:14 says, “Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the LORD can give an understanding wife.” But an understanding father is also a gift from God. God gave me a father who’s left me with much more than houses or wealth: He’s given me love, and all the wealth in the world can’t compare with that.

“A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children.”

Proverbs 13:22a

Joy in the Midst of Pain (In the Midst of Pt. 2)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

For Part 1, “Peace in the Midst of Trouble”, click here.

The book of Philippians is apostle Paul’s happiest letter by far. He mentions joy or rejoicing sixteen times and nearly a third of these references speak to his present joy (Philippians 1:4, Philippians 1:18, Philippians 2:17, Philippians 4:1, Philippians 4:10). You’d think that he’s on vacation or visiting one of his prospering churches. But Paul pens his sunniest epistle amidst some of his greatest suffering—imprisonment in a dark, dirty prison cell.

Joy in Christ

Paul’s first and greatest joy was Jesus Christ. He rejoiced in living because that meant that he got to continue working for Christ (Philippians 1:22). He rejoiced in dying because that meant that he’d get to be with Christ (Philippians 1:23). And he rejoiced in his suffering because it was furthering the gospel of Christ (Philippians 1:13).

Jesus is our north star. He’s that fixed point in space that orients us when the storms of life come. When those without God suffer, they have reason to despair. When they are dumped, diagnosed, or defeated, “the Universe” shrugs its shoulders and tell them they got the short end of the stick. But God tells us believers that all suffering will bring us closer to who He created us to be (Romans 8:28-29).

Joy in Others

Paul’s second joy was other people. Paul started off the book of Philippians by saying, “Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now” (Philippians 1:3-5). Paul was born to be a missionary, that was the pride and joy of his life. But instead of mourning his loss, he rejoiced that others shared his vision and carried on the torch.

He also rejoiced in his relationship with his friends. The Philippians were his joy and crown (Philippians 4:1). And he wrote this letter to encourage them to remain strong. When suffering closes in, we have a tendency to curl up. We want to detach from others and focus on ourselves. But we can find joy by following Paul’s example—remembering the loving care of those around us and finding ways to serve them.

Joy in Contentment

Paul found his ultimate joy in contentment. Some of the most powerful words in the entire New Testament are found in Philippians 4:12-13:  “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Discontent people will always be unhappy. No matter how many blessings the LORD lavishes upon on them, there will always be just one more thing they need. But content people trust in God. So they can be happy no matter their present sufferings.

Conclusion

Paul was the apostle of pain. He was baptized into the faith with the prophecy: “I will show him how much he must suffer for My name” (Acts 9:16).  With bruises and beatings, sleepless nights and shipwrecks, Paul endured more than many of us ever will even if we lived ten lifetimes. Yet he was also happier than many of us ever will be too. If we focus on Christ, love on others, and mature in contentment, we too can begin to sing in the midst of our dungeons.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.”

(2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

Peace in the Midst of Trouble (In the Midst of Pt. 1)

By Ife J. Ibitayo

It’d be an understatement to say that my life has been troubled as of late. I’ve been choking down a toxic soup of emotional anguish and looming deadlines day by day. Less than a year ago, I was struggling with symptoms that resembled Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So great was the weight of my daily anxiety that my blood pressure skyrocketed (see my article “Big Problems, Bigger God”). As worries hovered about my mind like looming thunderclouds, the story of Jesus sailing across the Sea of Galilee with His disciples came to my mind.

Losing Peace

Jesus gathered His ragtag group of friends and told them, “Let’s cross to the other side of this lake” (Mark 4:35). But soon after they got underway, a great storm arose, sending massive breakers into their puny boat. In fear, the disciples rushed to the stern of the boat and roused their sleeping master. They cried to the bleary-eyed Jesus, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” (Mark 4:38)

The disciples were fearful because they based their internal peace on external circumstances. While the sea was calm, they were at peace. When the sea grew tumultuous, so did their souls.

We too are tempted to anchor our peace on what our eyes can see: dollar signs in our bank account, 5’s on our performance reviews, or A’s on our children’s report cards. But just like the water in the great deep, forces beyond our control can transform any one of these wellsprings of peace into a source of anxiety.

Giving Peace

Jesus responded to the mighty windstorm with a mighty rebuke. He yelled to the wind and waves, “Peace! Be still” The wind stopped howling, and a great calm fell upon the sea (Mark 4:39).

Now, this peace didn’t spring up from nowhere. It was already present in Jesus’ soul. This peace is why He was able to rest through this great unrest. And this peace was so powerful that—by the power of the Holy Spirit—He was able to transform His external reality to match His internal truth.

I marvel at Jesus’ peace through the most trying of circumstances. He maintained His peace in the face of intense persecution, abandonment by His loved ones, and even His death on the cross. His otherworldly serenity tempts me to despair because I know I can’t muster up peace like His.

 But that’s why Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you (John 14:27).” Because He knows that we can’t produce peace on our own, He graciously decided to give it to us.

Receiving Peace

At the end of His story about shushing the wind and waves, Jesus asked His disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith” (Mark 4:40)? He mentions faith because faith is the conduit of grace. We must transfer the faith we place in money, people, and our own capabilities onto the person of Jesus Christ in order to receive His peace.

Conclusion

We place our faith in Jesus Christ because He has the power to keep His promises. Jesus promised His disciples that they’d reach the other side in Mark 4:35, and this is the same promise He offers to each of us. No matter how large the sea, no matter how mighty the waves, Jesus promises that we’ll reach the other side of our sea of trouble.

“‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’”

(John 16:33)

Heartbreak Hero

By Ife J. Ibitayo

Last week, I had my heart ripped out. Actually, it was a more protracted operation: a piece here, a shard there until it felt like there was nothing left.

When romantic relationships fail, pain follows. It’s the ever-present companion of every heartbreak hero. It threatens to wrap itself around our eyeballs and frame our uncertain future from now on.

There are no easy remedies to mend a broken heart, but there are several things that can make it worse.

Regret

The first is overwhelming regret. When my relationship dissolved, I found myself plagued by the question: “What could I have done better?” Our thoughts will condemn and second guess every decision we made: tulips rather than roses, choosing the action flick over the romantic comedy, or suggesting they meet our parents after the third date.

The Bible affirms that our hearts have a tendency to alternate between condemning and excusing us (Romans 2:15). But that’s no way to live! 1 John 3:20 says that “if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” Rather than reliving every past mistake, we must learn from them, and pray that God gives us the strength not to repeat them in our next relationship.

Anger

There is good reason for the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Just as love can bring out the best in us, it can also bring out the worst. I never realized how petty, vindictive, and easily frustrated I was until I fell in love. And when love is lost, all these death blossoms flourish into full bloom.

Anger is a cancer that can pervade every aspect of our lives. It can rob us of physical health, emotional stability, and spiritual peace. And it only has one antidote: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we must receive from the Spirit because it is completely unnatural for us.

Jesus said “I’m the vine. You are the branches. Apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We don’t have it in ourselves to let go of every ghosted text, every missed phone call, every dollar and hour we spent in pursuit of our lover’s heart. But when we forgive, we not only let our past flame go, we let ourselves go as well. We release ourselves from the shackles of hatred and bitterness. We’ll carry those chains into every future relationship if we don’t uncuff ourselves today.

Fear

Lastly, breakups can leave us with two fears about our future: 1. How will I ever find another like her/him? 2. How can I ever let myself be vulnerable again?

Satan will tempt us to believe that that special person we lost was our last shot at a happily every after. But God says, “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). God is the ultimate matchmaker for each and every one of us. His process may not be pain free, and it may not run on our schedule. But it is good.

 Secondly, vulnerability is the fruit of a healthy heart. Just as we only use a cast on a broken arm, we only wall up our hearts when they’re still wounded. This healing, once again, only comes from God. God says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). That promise extends even to our shattered, aching heart fragments.

Conclusion

I call us heartbreak heroes because the Author always watches over His protagonists. We may not know how to move forward with blood still dripping out of our chests. And the healing process will take time. But the story really will be a good one, even if we wish we could skip to the next chapter.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 8:38-39)