By Ife J. Ibitayo
When I approached my laptop to start this article, I had no idea what I’d write about. I spent some time scrolling back through the articles I’ve written over the past several months, and I was surprised to see just how many of them were written in the spur of the moment. For some writers, this may be fairly normal, but it isn’t for me.
Where I Came From
When I first started this blog a little over two years ago, I was struggling with crippling anxiety. The only thing that calmed my fears was clarity. Knowing what tomorrow held was the answer to my fears today.
That terrible fear of the unknown seeped into every inch of my life: what work I’d finish on the job tomorrow, where I’d be going this coming weekend, and even what article I’d be writing next week. If any space in my life became even slightly murky, panic would surge up like a roaring wave and threaten to drown my peace of mind.
Where I Was Going
But slowly something began to change. Week after week, month after month, fresh idea or no idea, I’d approach this computer screen, and I was forced to trust that God had a plan and a purpose for my fingers that morning. And every day I’d walk away with something I could stamp my seal of approval on. My writings will never be engraved in the annals of man as the greatest blog posts in history. But they have been an authentic and raw exploration of the traumas of my past, my struggles in the present, and my fears for the future.
I still remember when God first laid this blog on my heart. A month had passed since we’d received the decree that “thou shalt work from home indefinitely.” I had more time on my hands than I’d had in years. I spent many hours thinking through my pain, frustration, and grief, and I knew that the only path forward was to write my thoughts down. But then I felt led to publish my diary before the eyes of the world, to place my private musings where everyone else could read them. And I was petrified. But God ministered to my heart that the healing He was devising for me was not just for me. There would be many hurting people who’d read my words and receive the same grace I needed.
Where I Am
Through this blog I’ve learned so much about my own brokenness: my insecurity, my need for affirmation, my predisposition to please people. But I’ve also seen the faithful hand of my heavenly Father through the years. I survived undergrad and grad school, my first job and my first pandemic, true love and genuine heartbreak. I enjoy life at a deeper level now than I could while trapped in the labyrinth of my unprocessed emotions. And I know a key part of that has been untangling my thoughts before all of you who’ve read my words over the years.
When next week comes, I again might have no idea what I’m going to write about. I might not know what work holds for me tomorrow or what God has planned for my future. But I’ve come to trust—just a little better—that God is penning a story that I can’t wait to read in my life and surely in yours as well.
“Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear Him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.”
(Isaiah 30:20-21)